World Changers!

          So, it's been a little while, but I remembered that I do have a blog and I decided to write a new post! Yay! ...Or something to that effect. Right. So, anyway...

My super awesome World Changers crew. ^_^

          Last week was World Changers in Indianapolis, Indiana. It was partially awesome, partially lame, and partially thought provoking.
          I'm just gonna go ahead and get this out of the way, since it's the not-fun part of the week: The lame part was just that I got tonsillitis half-way through the week, effectively eliminating one-and-a-half days of work time for me.
          The awesome part was all the work we did manage to get done in just four days! I had a super amazing crew, and we were working with another super amazing crew, and we got the whole church painted in four days. Awesome! :-D I got to know some pretty funny guys, enjoyed hanging out with and getting to know better some of the gals in my youth group, and generally had a blast with all the long van rides and singing crappy songs. ^_^ So, all in all, the awesome part was way awesome enough to make up for the lame part. In fact, the lame part just got PWNED, NO0B! (<--You can't tell I've been watching The Guild, can you? Nope, didn't think so. XD)

          So then, all that remains to be told about WC is the thought provoking part. But first! You can be a WORLD CHANGER, shining the light for those in DANGER, sharing the Love of our Lord and SAVIOR, you can CHANGE THE WORLD, go out and CHANGE THE WORLD!!!!!!!!!!! XD Now that I have that out of the way... The thought provoking part! Basically, I realized a couple of things during World Changers: 1) I need to be completely and totally focused on Christ. He needs to be the center of everything that I do, completely and utterly. It's a little tough, but I'm working towards that goal. 2) Works are never enough. It's the heart that counts. I knew this already intellectually, but the point really hit home during WC, more so than I had ever experienced before. 3) I have really got to get myself some new self esteem. I have none. I realized this Friday night after saying goodbye to three of the awesome dudes from my crew (who, to the best of my knowledge, all had other females capturing their attentions--not that I was interested, but I'm trying to explain something about my self esteem, so bear with me.) and feeling utterly depressed because it seemed like every guy in the world had a girl and I was the only girl without a guy. Not true, I know, but it seems that since I've been out of the last relationship, I measure my self-worth by whether or not men find me attractive. And they don't. So right now, my self-worth is at zero. (Before I get people messaging me to say that this isn't the proper way to measure self-worth, don't bother, I already know. I need to find my self-worth through Christ, I KNOW, but sometimes it's hard to do what I know I should do. So, yeah. Just in case, I do in fact know that this is stupid, but it's how I feel right now. Sorry.)

The church we were in charge of painting: Emmanuel Christian Methodist Episcopal Church 

          I talked with my mom a bit this morning about the relationship with T. (I desperately hope he doesn't read these posts... Considering that he's doing his best to ignore my existence, outside of 'liking' a Facebook quiz result that said I would be second to die in a horror movie [I'm kinda sore about that, sorry...], I don't think it's likely, so... Full steam ahead, I guess. I can't really screw this up any more than I already have.) Basically, she reiterated some stuff that I already knew, such as the fact that I don't need to be in a relationship right now, and that I need to wait on God's timing, and that I probably need to find out what God's plan is for my life before I considering getting into another relationship, etc, etc, etc. She also told me that, aside from T being a really nice guy, she didn't really think it would have worked out with us. Why? Because, according to her, I'm smarter than he is. Honestly, it's probably true, but still... She should know better than to tell me I'm too smart for a guy. My intelligence level has been a constant thorn in my side when it comes to guys, and for the most part, I've always wanted to be slightly less smart than I am, because apparently it's intimidating to guys. Brilliant. In fact, two out of the three guys who have ever liked me at all were not as smart as I am, so this really does nothing for my self esteem. Apparently I have to wait for a super genius to come along who won't be scared by my intelligence or some crap like that. Geez. So annoying. She said that it wouldn't necessarily be a deal breaker, but that it probably would have been either frustrating for me, intimidating for him, or some of both. So, bottom line is I'm too smart, and not pretty enough, and with no self-esteem or obvious redeeming qualities. I should just get coke-bottle glasses or something. >_<
          Ok, so my self-esteem isn't really that bad... I do know that I'm somewhat attractive (I say this with no attempts to be prideful, believe me.) and that I do have redeeming qualities, but I guess being dumped doesn't exactly do wonders for one's self esteem. I really am trying to get over the relationship. I understand that it probably won't ever work again, and at this point, we'll probably never be friends again because he's pretending that I don't exist (Which, despite his protestations to the contrary, flies in the face of him saying that he wants to 'try and be friends' with me.), and so I'm desperately trying to move on and give it all over to Yhwh. It's a daily battle, but I'm making some headway, which is good. I think. I just need to cling to God through all of this. That's really all I can do. However, I seriously appreciate you guys praying for me! And let me know if you're interested in hanging out sometime this summer. I have basically nothing planned, and I'd love to get together sometime and hang out or something. Love and hugs to all!!!

-Sarah

See, it is in fact possible for me to think that I'm pretty. I <3 my hair here. I should straighten in more often. :-]

“I Wish You Would Miss Me, I Hope That You Don’t”

Sarah Kittell – 06/01/10; 06/02/10

It’s a strange situation I find myself in,

I don’t want to lose and I don’t want to win,

Like angels that dance on the head of a pin,

My blood’s pouring out from a heart made of tin.

My quandary’s rooted in pride, I’m afraid:

Misery’s lonely in the pit that I’ve made,

I selfishly want you to join in my pain,

I’m grasping at feelings that are trying to fade.

I know my emotions; they’re perfectly clear;

There’s anger and hope and there’s sadness and fear,

But I want to know what my dear is in your head, my dear,

You seem heartless to me for not shedding a tear.

You never were cold when you loved me before,

You spoke to me softly the words I adored,

But now, despite pleading and all I’ve implored,

I find myself out in the cold and ignored.

Your lack of emotion has spurred this odd state,

Where I seem to be torn between loving and hate,

Have you no heart? But I ask you too late,

And now I must choose: Should I leave you or wait?

Answer me this: How much to you miss me?

Part of me hopes that you’re totally free,

Not caught in the past or in what we might be,

But my other half’s not as forgiving, you see.

Answer me this: Do you miss me at all?

The first thing you did when you ended the call

Was to gather up stones and build you a wall;

I can’t get around and you’ve made it too tall.

So my pain is your pain, but only in dreams,

Where touches are kisses and more than they seem,

Tonight as I sleep under silver moon beams,

I’ll dance in your arms and pretend to be queen.

And then in the morning, you’ll leave me at dawn,

My dreams are dispersing; your warmth is all gone,

Though sometimes I think that your scent lingers on,

I’ll just keep pretending that nothing is wrong.