Realize and Cry

I came to the sudden realization today that he will never want me back, he doesn't miss me, and he never really loved me. I cried. I need out of the house and I can't leave. Jessi was under spiritual attack earlier this week, really tangible attack. I'm not having that, but I'm so incredibly depressed. By the way, I'm super sorry that I'm always posting about T. I've tried to talk to people about it and get over it, but the only people who've really helped are Christina and Ruth. Tristan and Nik a little, but not as much. I don't know what to do with myself. I've never hurt like this before, never been ignored like this. I hate him and miss him all at once. Most of the comments made by my friends have been the opposite of helpful, like "I told you so." or "You deserve better anyway."

Please pray for me. I need it right now more than anything. I need to cling to God. I need Him, I need Him, I need him.

-Sarah

"You'll Never Know My Heart"
Sarah Kittell - 06/30/10

The tears of a blind man fall
On my plastic green high heels,
From a well that can't be stopped
In the Gulf of Mexico.

A trigger line starts it all,
Wanna know how it makes you feel,
When all of my words are dropped
In the Gulf of Mexico.

You're too short to look so tall;
It takes time for me to heal
Behind a door that's never locked,
Like the Gulf of Mexico.

So from a well that can't be stopped,
These pretty words are slowly dropped,
Behind a door that's rarely locked
In the Gulf of Mexico.

"Blue Carpet"
Sarah Kittell - 06/07/10

Let's watch our lives on a one inch high screen.
So I can just skip through my least favorite scenes.
Watch anime figures in place of ourselves,
When it's over, you can just put us back on the shelves,
Or rewind to the part where we write down our dreams.

My fingers are numb 'cause I'm holding the show,
Please take your turn; not much further to go.
They colored you in and they outlined your face,
And they drew you in front of a negative space,
But your eyes have been changed from the ones that I know.

In the end you'll fly off, like Sophie and Howl,
Except you'll be alone, 'cause I'm still on the ground,
And I know that you're not coming back.