Yay! A Cake! **loves**

My 17th Birthday Cake

Compare with last years, which I actually liked better:

Interestingly, I'm posting these in May, which is 5 months after my birthday, which is in January. So, um, yeah... But I figured, you know, since the blog is supposed to showcase my cake making skills as well as my poetry, I'd throw some cakes in for ya. ^_^

Today was slightly better than yesterday. It wasn't a T day, thankfully. Though I do have some T-related poetry to show. Hope everyone had a great day! I'm really getting into this blog thing... Yay!!!! **happy dance** ^_^ In the meantime, here's the first poem written in my lovely new (old, but recently rediscovered and completely empty up 'till now) poetry notebook! :-] More free verse. For some reason, I find it easier to write about T in free verse than in structured rhyme... Hm... Oh, and I thought I should mention, I tend to dramatize my emotions in these poems. While they may be recently written, they aren't necessarily the most accurate representation of how I feel. Just a bit of a disclaimer. ~_^

"Old Habits Die Hard"
Sarah Kittell - 05/29/10

Some old habits are hard to kill,
Like the urge to hug you,
Hold you close in my arms and
breathe in the scent of Old Spice and Axe.
The habit of calling you gorgeous,
Calling you every evening to talk
about everything and nothing.
It's hard not to text you at three in the morning,
When I can't sleep and I lie awake,
Thinking.
It's hard.
The habit of leaning on your shoulder
when you sit down next to me,
Of saying I'm ugly just to hear you disagree,
But the hardest thing of all,
The habit that refuses to die,
Is the constant state of loving you.

Emotional Overload

Lots of junk spinning around inside my head today...

Foremost and in the front of my mind is a constant feeling of not being good enough. I know it's not true, but it's so easy to believe the lies when your father, of all people, is agreeing with them. I'm not good enough for him. I'm a disappointment. I'm not the daughter he wanted. He wanted my sister. One more thing she has that I don't. If he hadn't had me, if Mom had miscarried me and just had Jessi, he would be happier. He doesn't want me. I'm not 'part of the team'; I'm not 'good enough'; I'm not what he wanted. Unless you've ever been in this position yourself, you won't be able to understand this emotion. It's like getting a dog from the shelter, and then when you discover he likes to chew on the furniture, you get disgusted and you don't love him as much. Of course, that's not the best metaphor, but it's the only thing I'm coming up with at the moment. I'm sort of preoccupied with trying to convince myself that it doesn't matter if I'm not good enough for him, because I am good enough for the One who matters; for my real Daddy, my Abba YHWH. I am, I am, I am. I know it. But do I believe it? I think so. It's just hard. It's always hard to be rejected. More so when it's your own father doing the rejecting. I'm sorry I'm not what you wanted. I wish you would accept it and move on, but I don't think you will. I've never been good enough, I never will be. It's not likely to change. Not unless I become a carbon copy of my sister. That hurts too, by the way. Comparing me. And could you ever, just once, not be angry? Could you ever ask instead of demanding? Or notice when I try, without me having to remind you? I guess not.

Secret Poetry

For T.

Some poetry that will probably not find its way to Facebook. :-] Not all of these emotions are current, but I liked the poetry and wanted to put it up somewhere. Enjoy. ^_^

“A Promise I May Never Need”

Sarah Kittell

05/08/10

Next time, I’ll do the leaving—the ending.

Except there won’t be a next time.

And if there was, I wouldn’t leave you in a million years.

Next time.

---

The Things I've Done Are Way Too Shameful

(Title pulled from a Maroon 5 song: "Tangled")

So, big news for the day? I went job hunting! I'm looking for a part-time job over the summer, and hopefully for longer. Unfortunately, living where I do, there are very few options available within a reasonable driving distance. However, I submitted an application at one place and the guy actually asked if I could start working tonight! Unfortunately, tonight is Shabbat, and I don't work on Shabbat... And I won't compromise my standards just for a job. But maybe he'll ask me to work soon? I hope so!

On another note, I've been going through a lot of emotional stress recently. I'll probably be putting some poems on here that I'm not adding to Facebook, just because there are some people who probably don't need to read them. I've discovered that I'm really easily jealous, which is something I didn't think I had a problem with, but apparently I do. Three of my friends who were in relationships broke up, and then got back together, which gives me a false hope. Plus, my sister is now in a really serious relationship and is getting everything I wanted. It's driving me nuts. Also, I had no idea I was this emotionally attached/affected by/to T. Or so upset by the fact that he wasn't/isn't.

I'm working on trying to get into the habit of reading my Bible daily and having a quiet time to talk with YHWH, but it hasn't been going so well. Gotta keep it up, though! I refuse to quit! ^_^

Please be praying for me in my search for work, my emotional struggles, and my attempts to create new habits for myself! Love and hugs to all!

--Sarah

A New Start?

So, I know I haven't updated in, like, a bajillion years. I re-read my first posts (all two of them), and realized that the bet I placed with myself was a winner: The blog didn't make it past one week. Then why am I back here over a year later, excluding a single post in May for purposes of a practical joke? Well... A few reasons, actually:

1) I want to post my poetry here, and see if I can get more interest than I've found among my Facebook friends. (Who are awesome, by the way, just not very into poetry apparently.)

2) I want someplace to rant, and since no body reads this blog (that I know of), it should be pretty safe to say the things I wouldn't post in a note on Facebook.

3) I'm sort of in love with the idea of blogging, and so... I just had to try again. Unrealistic optimist that I am. :-P

I've been through a lot since I last posted, but I won't try to cover all that in one blog post. It would take too long, and my hands already hurt from my work this afternoon-- I was out hacking thistles in the pasture and then whacking the heads off to make sure they don't re-seed. Long, tiring, and painful. Thank goodness I had my iPod with me. Neil Patrick Harris is a life saver. (That's my iPod's name, btw. I'm a nerd. XD) Suffice it to say that I've grown a lot, and I hope to continue to grow and share the experience with others. Possibly through this blog.

Oh, and one more reason for this thing: You know how you write stuff down about people and secretly hope they read it? No? Ok, never mind then. ^_^

And with that, here's a little poem to read:

“--the anesthesia’s wearing off! (Awake)”

Sarah Kittell - 01/07/10

Peel away the outer hide,

Let me take off my disguise,

Let me see what’s inside,

Outside,

This sin has a down side.

I walk around in robes of white,

Keep it hidden, out of sight,

Don’t let on I lost the Fight.

Am I right?

Demons keep me up at night.

Find your proof,

Point and shoot,

Claim the Truth,

But where’s your fruit?

Watch your actions make you mute.

What is this inside of me?

How can it be part of me?

I thought that I had been set free,

From everything I used to be.

I will never set you free,

Eyes on me,

Don’t believe;

I won’t give you up that easy!

Putting on my uniform,

Shield and sword,

Try to halt this burning storm,

Blood is warm,

Plastic fortress now deformed.

Get down from your sky-high horse,

I will not sign on our divorce,

Reinforce our intercourse,

I won’t give you up alive.

Wishing I could cry for aid,

A refuge from this cannonade,

Hide away,

Barricade,

Rescue from their red grenades.

Who will answer to your call?

You will fall!

I will claim my bride-to-be,

And teach her some humility!

Who will answer to my call?

Watch me fall…

Thanks for reading! Love and hugs to all! ^^,

--Sarah

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