Emotional Overload

Lots of junk spinning around inside my head today...

Foremost and in the front of my mind is a constant feeling of not being good enough. I know it's not true, but it's so easy to believe the lies when your father, of all people, is agreeing with them. I'm not good enough for him. I'm a disappointment. I'm not the daughter he wanted. He wanted my sister. One more thing she has that I don't. If he hadn't had me, if Mom had miscarried me and just had Jessi, he would be happier. He doesn't want me. I'm not 'part of the team'; I'm not 'good enough'; I'm not what he wanted. Unless you've ever been in this position yourself, you won't be able to understand this emotion. It's like getting a dog from the shelter, and then when you discover he likes to chew on the furniture, you get disgusted and you don't love him as much. Of course, that's not the best metaphor, but it's the only thing I'm coming up with at the moment. I'm sort of preoccupied with trying to convince myself that it doesn't matter if I'm not good enough for him, because I am good enough for the One who matters; for my real Daddy, my Abba YHWH. I am, I am, I am. I know it. But do I believe it? I think so. It's just hard. It's always hard to be rejected. More so when it's your own father doing the rejecting. I'm sorry I'm not what you wanted. I wish you would accept it and move on, but I don't think you will. I've never been good enough, I never will be. It's not likely to change. Not unless I become a carbon copy of my sister. That hurts too, by the way. Comparing me. And could you ever, just once, not be angry? Could you ever ask instead of demanding? Or notice when I try, without me having to remind you? I guess not.

And now for some song lyrics that have been doing a fine job of representing my feelings as of late:

"And I can't think of anybody else who I hate to miss as much as I hate missing you."

-6 Months; Hey Monday

"If you change your mind/I'm the first in line/Honey, I'm still free/Take a chance on me."

-Take a Chance on Me; ABBA

"Annie waits for the last time."

-Annie Waits; Ben Folds

"And it's too late, baby, now it's too late, though we really did try to make it/Something inside has died and I can't hide and I just can't fake it."

-It's Too Late; Carol King

"Midnight bottle, take me calmly through my memories/And everything will come back to me."

"I've got a midnight bottle, gonna drink it down/A one way ticket takes me through the times we had before/When everything felt so right/If only for tonight/A midnight bottle gonna ease my pain/From all these feelings driving me insane/I think of you, and everything's alright/If only for tonight."

"Midnight bottle, I forgot how good it feels to be in a dream/Just like you had me/'Cause lately I've been stumbling/Feels like I'm recovering/But I think it's only for tonight."

-Midnight Bottle; Colbie Caillat

"If you just realized/What I just realized/That we'd be perfect for each other and we'd never have to wonder/Just realize what I just realized/Then we'd never have to wonder if we missed out on each other now."

-Realize; Colbie Caillat

"Nobody said it was easy/It's such a shame for us to part/Nobody said it was easy/No one ever said it would be this hard/Oh take me back to the start."

"But tell me you love me/Come back and haunt me/Oh and I rush to the start."

-The Scientist; Coldplay

"I'm stupid like this/And I'm stupid like that/I'm stupid 'cause I made a mess of things to get you back/I never wanna see/You're happy without me/I wish I could have been somebody else/Been somebody else..."

-Stupid Like This; Daniel Powter

"Yeah, I know I got crazy/But I guess that's just me/If I could turn back time before the wrong."

-Brand New Day; Forty Foot Echo

"And it's okay if you had to go away/Just remember the telephones, well they're work in both ways/And if I never, ever hear them ring/If nothing else, I'll think the bells inside/Have finally found you someone else/And that's okay/'Cause I'll remember everything you sang..."

-You and I Both; Jason Mraz

"I've overcome the blow/Learned to take it well/I only wish my words could just convince myself/That it just wasn't real/But that's not the way it feels."

-Operator; Jim Croce

"Once we were lovers/But somehow things have changed/Now we're just lonely people/Trying to forget each other's names/Now we're just lonely people/Trying to forget each other's names/What came between us?/Maybe we were just too young to know/But now and then I feel the same."

-These Dreams; Jim Croce

"You could be happy and I won't know/But you weren't happy the day I watched you go/And all the things that I wish I had not said/Are played in loops 'till it's madness in my head/Is it too late to remind you how we were?/But not our last days of silence, screaming blur/Most of what I remember makes me sure/I should have stopped you from walking out that door."

-You Could Be Happy; Snow Patrol

There are definitely more, but that's all I can think of for the moment. I've really been in love with 'Come Monday' by Jimmy Buffet as well, but that has little to nothing to do with my current state of emotions. Sorry these posts are so depressing... One of my best friends is leaving for Colorado tomorrow morning, and I won't be able to talk to him for a while. That's not helping my situation at all, particularly since he's my go-to guy to talk about T.

Speaking of, I had a pretty bad day today. Sometimes I have good days, like when I wrote "Relief". Sometimes I have bad ones. Today was a bad one. But hey, not a lot I can do about that except continue to pray and hope that God will get me through this. He's pretty good at that, I hear. :-]

Also, before I finish this, a shout out to the lovely Phaelon, who is being a wonderful support, and to the fantastic Nikolai, who, despite leaving for Colorado tomorrow, is still an amazing friend and strong shoulder during rough times. Both Phaelon and Nik have been a great encouragement to me, as have Tristan and Ruth, among other people. But for today, the shout out for awesome friendship goes to Nik and Phaelon for encouragement and for just plain being there for me. For noticing when I'm down and for praying for me when I need it. You guys are fantastic. Thank you. <3

Love and hugs to all!

--Sarah