I Don't Quite Know How to Say How I Feel... But My World's on Fire, That's the Way I Like it and I'll Never Get Bored!

So yes, that is an obscenely long title. But that's okay, because this is going to be an obscenely awesome post. Most deserving of such a long title. XD


This post is pretty much going to talk about the week of July 11-16, which was one of the most amazing experiences of my entire life. It was awesome. My dad, my mom, and I spent the week at Pleasant Valley, which is a church organization/ministry that runs Be in Health. According to their website, BiH is "an International ministry teaching the biblical principles that bring healing of relationships and health. [They] offer teaching to unravel the mysteries of disease and reveal pathways to health and wholeness based on scriptural insight and understanding. Dedicated to helping people, [they] offer insights to why mankind has disease, spiritual roots of disease and blocks to healing." But they're not just a physical healing ministry. The emotional healing that has taken place in my family has been absolutely incredible, and that's what I want to write about. :-]

A few of the wonderful people I met at Pleasant Valley. <3

Realize and Cry

I came to the sudden realization today that he will never want me back, he doesn't miss me, and he never really loved me. I cried. I need out of the house and I can't leave. Jessi was under spiritual attack earlier this week, really tangible attack. I'm not having that, but I'm so incredibly depressed. By the way, I'm super sorry that I'm always posting about T. I've tried to talk to people about it and get over it, but the only people who've really helped are Christina and Ruth. Tristan and Nik a little, but not as much. I don't know what to do with myself. I've never hurt like this before, never been ignored like this. I hate him and miss him all at once. Most of the comments made by my friends have been the opposite of helpful, like "I told you so." or "You deserve better anyway."

Please pray for me. I need it right now more than anything. I need to cling to God. I need Him, I need Him, I need him.

-Sarah

"You'll Never Know My Heart"
Sarah Kittell - 06/30/10

The tears of a blind man fall
On my plastic green high heels,
From a well that can't be stopped
In the Gulf of Mexico.

A trigger line starts it all,
Wanna know how it makes you feel,
When all of my words are dropped
In the Gulf of Mexico.

You're too short to look so tall;
It takes time for me to heal
Behind a door that's never locked,
Like the Gulf of Mexico.

So from a well that can't be stopped,
These pretty words are slowly dropped,
Behind a door that's rarely locked
In the Gulf of Mexico.

"Blue Carpet"
Sarah Kittell - 06/07/10

Let's watch our lives on a one inch high screen.
So I can just skip through my least favorite scenes.
Watch anime figures in place of ourselves,
When it's over, you can just put us back on the shelves,
Or rewind to the part where we write down our dreams.

My fingers are numb 'cause I'm holding the show,
Please take your turn; not much further to go.
They colored you in and they outlined your face,
And they drew you in front of a negative space,
But your eyes have been changed from the ones that I know.

In the end you'll fly off, like Sophie and Howl,
Except you'll be alone, 'cause I'm still on the ground,
And I know that you're not coming back.

World Changers!

          So, it's been a little while, but I remembered that I do have a blog and I decided to write a new post! Yay! ...Or something to that effect. Right. So, anyway...

My super awesome World Changers crew. ^_^

          Last week was World Changers in Indianapolis, Indiana. It was partially awesome, partially lame, and partially thought provoking.
          I'm just gonna go ahead and get this out of the way, since it's the not-fun part of the week: The lame part was just that I got tonsillitis half-way through the week, effectively eliminating one-and-a-half days of work time for me.
          The awesome part was all the work we did manage to get done in just four days! I had a super amazing crew, and we were working with another super amazing crew, and we got the whole church painted in four days. Awesome! :-D I got to know some pretty funny guys, enjoyed hanging out with and getting to know better some of the gals in my youth group, and generally had a blast with all the long van rides and singing crappy songs. ^_^ So, all in all, the awesome part was way awesome enough to make up for the lame part. In fact, the lame part just got PWNED, NO0B! (<--You can't tell I've been watching The Guild, can you? Nope, didn't think so. XD)

Yay! A Cake! **loves**

My 17th Birthday Cake

Compare with last years, which I actually liked better:

Interestingly, I'm posting these in May, which is 5 months after my birthday, which is in January. So, um, yeah... But I figured, you know, since the blog is supposed to showcase my cake making skills as well as my poetry, I'd throw some cakes in for ya. ^_^

Today was slightly better than yesterday. It wasn't a T day, thankfully. Though I do have some T-related poetry to show. Hope everyone had a great day! I'm really getting into this blog thing... Yay!!!! **happy dance** ^_^ In the meantime, here's the first poem written in my lovely new (old, but recently rediscovered and completely empty up 'till now) poetry notebook! :-] More free verse. For some reason, I find it easier to write about T in free verse than in structured rhyme... Hm... Oh, and I thought I should mention, I tend to dramatize my emotions in these poems. While they may be recently written, they aren't necessarily the most accurate representation of how I feel. Just a bit of a disclaimer. ~_^

"Old Habits Die Hard"
Sarah Kittell - 05/29/10

Some old habits are hard to kill,
Like the urge to hug you,
Hold you close in my arms and
breathe in the scent of Old Spice and Axe.
The habit of calling you gorgeous,
Calling you every evening to talk
about everything and nothing.
It's hard not to text you at three in the morning,
When I can't sleep and I lie awake,
Thinking.
It's hard.
The habit of leaning on your shoulder
when you sit down next to me,
Of saying I'm ugly just to hear you disagree,
But the hardest thing of all,
The habit that refuses to die,
Is the constant state of loving you.

Emotional Overload

Lots of junk spinning around inside my head today...

Foremost and in the front of my mind is a constant feeling of not being good enough. I know it's not true, but it's so easy to believe the lies when your father, of all people, is agreeing with them. I'm not good enough for him. I'm a disappointment. I'm not the daughter he wanted. He wanted my sister. One more thing she has that I don't. If he hadn't had me, if Mom had miscarried me and just had Jessi, he would be happier. He doesn't want me. I'm not 'part of the team'; I'm not 'good enough'; I'm not what he wanted. Unless you've ever been in this position yourself, you won't be able to understand this emotion. It's like getting a dog from the shelter, and then when you discover he likes to chew on the furniture, you get disgusted and you don't love him as much. Of course, that's not the best metaphor, but it's the only thing I'm coming up with at the moment. I'm sort of preoccupied with trying to convince myself that it doesn't matter if I'm not good enough for him, because I am good enough for the One who matters; for my real Daddy, my Abba YHWH. I am, I am, I am. I know it. But do I believe it? I think so. It's just hard. It's always hard to be rejected. More so when it's your own father doing the rejecting. I'm sorry I'm not what you wanted. I wish you would accept it and move on, but I don't think you will. I've never been good enough, I never will be. It's not likely to change. Not unless I become a carbon copy of my sister. That hurts too, by the way. Comparing me. And could you ever, just once, not be angry? Could you ever ask instead of demanding? Or notice when I try, without me having to remind you? I guess not.

Secret Poetry

For T.

Some poetry that will probably not find its way to Facebook. :-] Not all of these emotions are current, but I liked the poetry and wanted to put it up somewhere. Enjoy. ^_^

“A Promise I May Never Need”

Sarah Kittell

05/08/10

Next time, I’ll do the leaving—the ending.

Except there won’t be a next time.

And if there was, I wouldn’t leave you in a million years.

Next time.

---

The Things I've Done Are Way Too Shameful

(Title pulled from a Maroon 5 song: "Tangled")

So, big news for the day? I went job hunting! I'm looking for a part-time job over the summer, and hopefully for longer. Unfortunately, living where I do, there are very few options available within a reasonable driving distance. However, I submitted an application at one place and the guy actually asked if I could start working tonight! Unfortunately, tonight is Shabbat, and I don't work on Shabbat... And I won't compromise my standards just for a job. But maybe he'll ask me to work soon? I hope so!

On another note, I've been going through a lot of emotional stress recently. I'll probably be putting some poems on here that I'm not adding to Facebook, just because there are some people who probably don't need to read them. I've discovered that I'm really easily jealous, which is something I didn't think I had a problem with, but apparently I do. Three of my friends who were in relationships broke up, and then got back together, which gives me a false hope. Plus, my sister is now in a really serious relationship and is getting everything I wanted. It's driving me nuts. Also, I had no idea I was this emotionally attached/affected by/to T. Or so upset by the fact that he wasn't/isn't.

I'm working on trying to get into the habit of reading my Bible daily and having a quiet time to talk with YHWH, but it hasn't been going so well. Gotta keep it up, though! I refuse to quit! ^_^

Please be praying for me in my search for work, my emotional struggles, and my attempts to create new habits for myself! Love and hugs to all!

--Sarah