Some Poetry For You?

Well, I suppose I should give some kind of update here... But seeing as I'm sick, and I've been sick, and that's not very much fun to write about/read... I think I'll just skip that part. Though I'm excited about the book I got for Tristan's Christmas present. ^_^ Yay me, actually purchasing a gift before the date of the celebration! I did go to Pleasant Valley again last week, and I will be writing about that soon. However, as I have a throbbing headache right now, I think I'll just post a bit of poetry and spare my eyes the pain of looking at the computer screen. Okay? Sorry, I know everyone who follows my blog is just dying to know what's been going on in my life. :P But instead, here is a picture of me being sick:

A Bit of Prose

Well, it's been quite a while since my last post, so I thought I'd write something up since I have some free time today. Not too much, but, you know, just a little update and such. :-] 


I've just been reading about Søren Kierkegaard in my history book, and he's actually quite fascinating. He pioneered the concept that faith is beyond reason, and he also wrote/said a few fairly magnificent quotes. I compiled my favorites, as taken from Wikiquotes. ^_^

What is Love? Baby, Don't Hurt Me!

     As obviously silly as the title to this post is, I felt it was fitting considering the topic I wanted to ramble on about. But first! A bit of an update: Life is good, but confusing. I'm still learning to let God be God and not try to take things into my own hands all the time. I'm learning to listen and take advice from others. I'm learning to have faith and not fear. On a lighter note, I recently finished the most difficult cake I've ever decorated (pictures will be up in a later post) and I've been doing quite a bit of school work and some random writing. :-] Now, on to what I really wanted to talk about!


     [Disclaimer: I'm not aiming this at anyone. Promise. I started thinking about this particular subject because of another person, but what I've written below is basically just my musings and it's not intended to be anything more than something interesting to read and discuss. However, if you feel like God is speaking to you through what I say, I just want to make it clear that it's not me and I'm not doing it on purpose. :-P Also, these are MY OPINIONS. Some of the stuff I say is fact, but the conclusions I draw from it are my own, and I don't mean to offend anyone!]


     Something that has been at the forefront of my mind recently has been emotions. Specifically, love, but emotions in general. People are emotional beings. And sometimes those emotions hurt. So some of us try to deal with the pain and move on, and others try to remove the cause. "Love hurts," they rationalize, "so why should I love?" I guess on the surface it makes sense, but as I was contemplating the idea, it started to seem less and less logical. Of course, I'm all for suppressing--actually, I think controlling would be a better word there--I'm all for controlling certain emotions: anger, for example, excessive self-pity, pride, etc. There are certainly emotions that I could do without completely, like greed and lust. But almost all of these, in moderation and in the right application, are useful emotions. Pride in a job well-done, as long as you don't let it go to your head, and desire to provide the best that you can for your family, if you say greed and desire are similar, and righteous anger, which is, obviously, righteous, and that amazing, beautiful 'lust' that a man has for his wife, which isn't really lust, but it sort of is, only it's really more like a different kind of lust, which just goes to show that it's the excess and misuse of these emotions that really gets you in trouble. [That is probably the longest sentence I've ever written, and for some reason it reminds me of C. S. Lewis...] Back to my original point: Love hurts, so why should I love? There are several responses that I've come up with, so that's what I'm going to write about.

Total Eclipse of the Heart

I wrote a poem. Shocker. Actually, what is shocking is that 1) it doesn't reflect my emotions properly and 2) the subject is completely different than anything I've written about before. It's a tad confusing, mostly for me, but probably for you, too. That's okay, though. :-] Here it is:

“Your Voice Would Make a Good Narration for My Thoughts”

Sarah Kittell – 10/08/10

The Doctor had called me from inside his TARDIS,

So he and a dalek could come ‘round for tea,

But I was distracted by deep Irish accents,

And all that I got was his voicemail at three.

A penny for your thoughts and I’ll put my two cents in,

I’m wasting my money, ‘cause I don’t have a wish.

Keyboards are pounding out songs in my cranium,

BJ and Ben and some guy I don’t know,

A personal concert to narrate my soundtrack,

And front-row-seat tickets to all of their shows.

I feel sort of odd, ‘cause I don’t even know you,

I’m writing a poem for only two calls.

If you don’t understand: 42 and a towel—

I’m leaving before I can like you at all.

A penny for your thoughts and I’ll put my two cents in,

I’m wasting my money, ‘cause I don’t have a wish.

---

Yes, I did include multiple sci-fi references in it. Yes, it is awesome because of that. XD 

On another note, I've been finding it difficult to give God complete control of my life. I guess it's good that I recognize that, so I can work on it... But it's a little frustrating. Several of my friends have revealed problems or heartaches in their lives, and I keep wanting to just be able to go in and fix all of their problems. Never mind that I have a million and one problems of my own to fix. **sigh** But I'll get there eventually. I just need to keep giving it back to YHWH, every day, every day, every day. :-] He's really all I need. <3 Now to convince my heart that men aren't what I need and I'll be good. Kinda hard when I finally meet someone who seems right. **sigh** Again. More sighs. lol ARGH! MEN! Geez! Ugh. Ok. I'm gonna stop now.

The game.

Love and hugs,

Sarah

XD

An Old English Poem

Seems like all I have time for these days is posting interesting school assignments... This one is an original poem translated, to the best of my abilities, into Old English. Of course, Old English is so different from Modern English that I have no idea what the translation of my poem really says. I have no clue if the grammar is correct, if I conjugated the verbs in the right way, or anything like that. The only online places I could find for translating Modern English into Old English would only translate one word at a time, so I couldn't input a block of text, e.g. my poem, and have it translate that. I could only put in one word and translate that, and then figure out if I needed strong or weak, masculine or feminine, singular or plural, etc. etc. etc. So it was a bit more difficult than I imagined. But here it is! Enjoy! :-]

(Addendum: I inserted a 'bridge' of sorts for the benefit of a friend, who wants to try and turn it into a song. It has not been translated.)
(Another Addendum: Here is the finished song, as sung and played by Devin Dennis. ^^, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8oN77edbcRY )

“Treachery/Love”

Sarah Kittell – 09/22/10

Sunny day and shades of gray,

Searching for the words to say,

Inside my head, the things I said

Are chasing all my thoughts away.

I waited for the slamming door

To shake me to my very core,

For shouted knives and broken lives

To leave me crying on the floor.

But you walked in, ignored my sin,

Brushed my tears off with a grin,

Closed your eyes and kissed the lies

Still warm from kissing foreign skin.

Bridge:
The heart has its reasons that reason can’t see,
You had every right to get up and leave,
And yet here you are and here you will stay,
The angel I love and the man I betrayed.

“Belæwung/Bróðorlufu”

Sarah Kittell – 09/22/10

Sigelbeorht dæg ond heolstorsceadwas sylfum deorcegræg,

Árásaende for þá cwideas æt ácwiðean,

Innoþ min héafod, þá þing ic geácweden

Béon ádrífende á min bréosthord áflíegung.

Ic geábiden for þæt bedende dor

Æt ábifan mec æt min midde,

For gecealled cnífas ond geábrocen æ

Æt anforlæteeþ mec blægettende on séo flór.

Ac ðu gegangen beinnan, geforgiefen min bealudæd,

Aswápan þá hléordropan on min andwlita,

Gebehliden úre angnereas ond gecossed þá léasspell

Þágíet wirman fram cossende wéales scinnen.

An Autobiography

Well, I have another school assignment to share. I had to write an autobiography. And here it is. Enjoy!

Two ‘T’s and Two ‘L’s:

The (Abridged) Autobiography of Sarah Kittell

                Some want to live within the sound of church or chapel bell; I want to run a rescue shop within a yard of hell. – C. T. Studd

                At seventeen and a half years of age, it is practically impossible to write a comprehensive autobiographical account of one’s life. This is due in part to one’s generally not having lived quite long enough to have accomplished anything worth writing about—unless one is Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart, in which case such a tome would most likely be far over-due by the age of 13. But I am not Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart, and as such, I do not have much to say on the subject of my life. Therefore, what little I do have to say, I will attempt to say in such a manner as to be entertaining and, hopefully, somewhat comedic.

Inspiration

     I started school up about a month ago, hence the lack of recent blog posts. I really did mean to post something shortly after the beginning of the school year, but... Obviously, that didn't happen. So here I am, with a new blog post, 2 days into September and already a month into my final year of high school.
     In sharp contrast to last year at MAP, this year I am thoroughly enjoying my school work, classes, teachers, etc. These are my classes, for those who are interested: Honors British Literature, Language Arts, Honors European History, Rhetoric, Geometry, Portfolio, Spanish II, and Anatomy & Physiology. British Lit., L.A., and A&P are probably my favorite so far, but other than Portfolio, which is a whole lot of work for a very short class that I won't get much credit for, I'm really loving all my classes right now. I'm reading Beowulf for British Lit., I have a coloring book for Anatomy & Physiology, I'm writing a play for Language Arts, reading C. S. Lewis for Rhetoric... It's pretty much awesome. :-]

     Also, I have a little something to make up for the blog post dry spell! Last week's L.A. assignment was to keep a journal for five days on paper bags, using whatever was inside each bag for inspiration. I did. And fueled by my desire to turn absolutely everything possible into an art project, I present to you my Paper Bag Journals. :-D

Day 1 - Inspiration: A birthday candle and a yellow foam animal capsule.

08/26/10

     I got one of those little plastic capsules today; the kind you dissolve in water and then the little foam animal swells up from the water. I've never tried it before, and I must say, I was somewhat disappointed in the results. I think it's supposed to be a sheep, but I'm really not sure. Perhaps a cow?

     On a different note, I've gotten over my eye infection and can once again see properly. Yay! Also, I've been helping Jessi out with her Chemistry homework, which isn't actually as bad as I thought it would be, considering how much I hated it last year.

     I really want a typewriter. I've found a few on eBay that I particularly like, but as I know next to nothing about antique typewriters, I'm not sure about making a purchase. Hopefully, I'll be able to get enough information to buy a working, 1960s or older typewriter, and relatively soon.

Words.

More words.

S  p  r  e  a  d  i  n  g

from one to the next.

Disregarding

TRUTH. FICTION. WISDOM.

Fly------------------------------------------------------>like birds.

whispered, SHOUTED,

gone.

OuT oF 

cOnTrOl.

From loose matches to blazing

forest. Passive aggression.

                    Where's the water?

gone.

Refrigerator Poetry

So, today's post is just some fun poetry stuff. Nothing deep, no big updates on my life or anything like that, though I'm sure another post will soon be forthcoming for all you stalkers out there who like to keep up with what I eat for breakfast. ;-P

Awhile back, a friend of mine gave me a set of refrigerator word magnets, all made up of words from Shakespeare. I decided to create a challenge for myself: Write poetry using only the words provided. The result is some interesting, albeit somewhat oddly worded, free verse poetry currently displayed on my fridge. All poetry is by me except the second line in "Shakespeare I", which appeared on the fridge while I was away, and I'm not sure which family member is responsible for it, but I liked it, so I left it there.

Unfortunately, there's no punctuation included in the set, other than one lone exclamation point that I found, so I'll post each poem's picture individually, followed by the written version with punctuation.

I Don't Quite Know How to Say How I Feel... But My World's on Fire, That's the Way I Like it and I'll Never Get Bored!

So yes, that is an obscenely long title. But that's okay, because this is going to be an obscenely awesome post. Most deserving of such a long title. XD


This post is pretty much going to talk about the week of July 11-16, which was one of the most amazing experiences of my entire life. It was awesome. My dad, my mom, and I spent the week at Pleasant Valley, which is a church organization/ministry that runs Be in Health. According to their website, BiH is "an International ministry teaching the biblical principles that bring healing of relationships and health. [They] offer teaching to unravel the mysteries of disease and reveal pathways to health and wholeness based on scriptural insight and understanding. Dedicated to helping people, [they] offer insights to why mankind has disease, spiritual roots of disease and blocks to healing." But they're not just a physical healing ministry. The emotional healing that has taken place in my family has been absolutely incredible, and that's what I want to write about. :-]

A few of the wonderful people I met at Pleasant Valley. <3

Realize and Cry

I came to the sudden realization today that he will never want me back, he doesn't miss me, and he never really loved me. I cried. I need out of the house and I can't leave. Jessi was under spiritual attack earlier this week, really tangible attack. I'm not having that, but I'm so incredibly depressed. By the way, I'm super sorry that I'm always posting about T. I've tried to talk to people about it and get over it, but the only people who've really helped are Christina and Ruth. Tristan and Nik a little, but not as much. I don't know what to do with myself. I've never hurt like this before, never been ignored like this. I hate him and miss him all at once. Most of the comments made by my friends have been the opposite of helpful, like "I told you so." or "You deserve better anyway."

Please pray for me. I need it right now more than anything. I need to cling to God. I need Him, I need Him, I need him.

-Sarah

"You'll Never Know My Heart"
Sarah Kittell - 06/30/10

The tears of a blind man fall
On my plastic green high heels,
From a well that can't be stopped
In the Gulf of Mexico.

A trigger line starts it all,
Wanna know how it makes you feel,
When all of my words are dropped
In the Gulf of Mexico.

You're too short to look so tall;
It takes time for me to heal
Behind a door that's never locked,
Like the Gulf of Mexico.

So from a well that can't be stopped,
These pretty words are slowly dropped,
Behind a door that's rarely locked
In the Gulf of Mexico.

"Blue Carpet"
Sarah Kittell - 06/07/10

Let's watch our lives on a one inch high screen.
So I can just skip through my least favorite scenes.
Watch anime figures in place of ourselves,
When it's over, you can just put us back on the shelves,
Or rewind to the part where we write down our dreams.

My fingers are numb 'cause I'm holding the show,
Please take your turn; not much further to go.
They colored you in and they outlined your face,
And they drew you in front of a negative space,
But your eyes have been changed from the ones that I know.

In the end you'll fly off, like Sophie and Howl,
Except you'll be alone, 'cause I'm still on the ground,
And I know that you're not coming back.

World Changers!

          So, it's been a little while, but I remembered that I do have a blog and I decided to write a new post! Yay! ...Or something to that effect. Right. So, anyway...

My super awesome World Changers crew. ^_^

          Last week was World Changers in Indianapolis, Indiana. It was partially awesome, partially lame, and partially thought provoking.
          I'm just gonna go ahead and get this out of the way, since it's the not-fun part of the week: The lame part was just that I got tonsillitis half-way through the week, effectively eliminating one-and-a-half days of work time for me.
          The awesome part was all the work we did manage to get done in just four days! I had a super amazing crew, and we were working with another super amazing crew, and we got the whole church painted in four days. Awesome! :-D I got to know some pretty funny guys, enjoyed hanging out with and getting to know better some of the gals in my youth group, and generally had a blast with all the long van rides and singing crappy songs. ^_^ So, all in all, the awesome part was way awesome enough to make up for the lame part. In fact, the lame part just got PWNED, NO0B! (<--You can't tell I've been watching The Guild, can you? Nope, didn't think so. XD)

Yay! A Cake! **loves**

My 17th Birthday Cake

Compare with last years, which I actually liked better:

Interestingly, I'm posting these in May, which is 5 months after my birthday, which is in January. So, um, yeah... But I figured, you know, since the blog is supposed to showcase my cake making skills as well as my poetry, I'd throw some cakes in for ya. ^_^

Today was slightly better than yesterday. It wasn't a T day, thankfully. Though I do have some T-related poetry to show. Hope everyone had a great day! I'm really getting into this blog thing... Yay!!!! **happy dance** ^_^ In the meantime, here's the first poem written in my lovely new (old, but recently rediscovered and completely empty up 'till now) poetry notebook! :-] More free verse. For some reason, I find it easier to write about T in free verse than in structured rhyme... Hm... Oh, and I thought I should mention, I tend to dramatize my emotions in these poems. While they may be recently written, they aren't necessarily the most accurate representation of how I feel. Just a bit of a disclaimer. ~_^

"Old Habits Die Hard"
Sarah Kittell - 05/29/10

Some old habits are hard to kill,
Like the urge to hug you,
Hold you close in my arms and
breathe in the scent of Old Spice and Axe.
The habit of calling you gorgeous,
Calling you every evening to talk
about everything and nothing.
It's hard not to text you at three in the morning,
When I can't sleep and I lie awake,
Thinking.
It's hard.
The habit of leaning on your shoulder
when you sit down next to me,
Of saying I'm ugly just to hear you disagree,
But the hardest thing of all,
The habit that refuses to die,
Is the constant state of loving you.

Emotional Overload

Lots of junk spinning around inside my head today...

Foremost and in the front of my mind is a constant feeling of not being good enough. I know it's not true, but it's so easy to believe the lies when your father, of all people, is agreeing with them. I'm not good enough for him. I'm a disappointment. I'm not the daughter he wanted. He wanted my sister. One more thing she has that I don't. If he hadn't had me, if Mom had miscarried me and just had Jessi, he would be happier. He doesn't want me. I'm not 'part of the team'; I'm not 'good enough'; I'm not what he wanted. Unless you've ever been in this position yourself, you won't be able to understand this emotion. It's like getting a dog from the shelter, and then when you discover he likes to chew on the furniture, you get disgusted and you don't love him as much. Of course, that's not the best metaphor, but it's the only thing I'm coming up with at the moment. I'm sort of preoccupied with trying to convince myself that it doesn't matter if I'm not good enough for him, because I am good enough for the One who matters; for my real Daddy, my Abba YHWH. I am, I am, I am. I know it. But do I believe it? I think so. It's just hard. It's always hard to be rejected. More so when it's your own father doing the rejecting. I'm sorry I'm not what you wanted. I wish you would accept it and move on, but I don't think you will. I've never been good enough, I never will be. It's not likely to change. Not unless I become a carbon copy of my sister. That hurts too, by the way. Comparing me. And could you ever, just once, not be angry? Could you ever ask instead of demanding? Or notice when I try, without me having to remind you? I guess not.

Secret Poetry

For T.

Some poetry that will probably not find its way to Facebook. :-] Not all of these emotions are current, but I liked the poetry and wanted to put it up somewhere. Enjoy. ^_^

“A Promise I May Never Need”

Sarah Kittell

05/08/10

Next time, I’ll do the leaving—the ending.

Except there won’t be a next time.

And if there was, I wouldn’t leave you in a million years.

Next time.

---

The Things I've Done Are Way Too Shameful

(Title pulled from a Maroon 5 song: "Tangled")

So, big news for the day? I went job hunting! I'm looking for a part-time job over the summer, and hopefully for longer. Unfortunately, living where I do, there are very few options available within a reasonable driving distance. However, I submitted an application at one place and the guy actually asked if I could start working tonight! Unfortunately, tonight is Shabbat, and I don't work on Shabbat... And I won't compromise my standards just for a job. But maybe he'll ask me to work soon? I hope so!

On another note, I've been going through a lot of emotional stress recently. I'll probably be putting some poems on here that I'm not adding to Facebook, just because there are some people who probably don't need to read them. I've discovered that I'm really easily jealous, which is something I didn't think I had a problem with, but apparently I do. Three of my friends who were in relationships broke up, and then got back together, which gives me a false hope. Plus, my sister is now in a really serious relationship and is getting everything I wanted. It's driving me nuts. Also, I had no idea I was this emotionally attached/affected by/to T. Or so upset by the fact that he wasn't/isn't.

I'm working on trying to get into the habit of reading my Bible daily and having a quiet time to talk with YHWH, but it hasn't been going so well. Gotta keep it up, though! I refuse to quit! ^_^

Please be praying for me in my search for work, my emotional struggles, and my attempts to create new habits for myself! Love and hugs to all!

--Sarah

A New Start?

So, I know I haven't updated in, like, a bajillion years. I re-read my first posts (all two of them), and realized that the bet I placed with myself was a winner: The blog didn't make it past one week. Then why am I back here over a year later, excluding a single post in May for purposes of a practical joke? Well... A few reasons, actually:

1) I want to post my poetry here, and see if I can get more interest than I've found among my Facebook friends. (Who are awesome, by the way, just not very into poetry apparently.)

2) I want someplace to rant, and since no body reads this blog (that I know of), it should be pretty safe to say the things I wouldn't post in a note on Facebook.

3) I'm sort of in love with the idea of blogging, and so... I just had to try again. Unrealistic optimist that I am. :-P

I've been through a lot since I last posted, but I won't try to cover all that in one blog post. It would take too long, and my hands already hurt from my work this afternoon-- I was out hacking thistles in the pasture and then whacking the heads off to make sure they don't re-seed. Long, tiring, and painful. Thank goodness I had my iPod with me. Neil Patrick Harris is a life saver. (That's my iPod's name, btw. I'm a nerd. XD) Suffice it to say that I've grown a lot, and I hope to continue to grow and share the experience with others. Possibly through this blog.

Oh, and one more reason for this thing: You know how you write stuff down about people and secretly hope they read it? No? Ok, never mind then. ^_^

And with that, here's a little poem to read:

“--the anesthesia’s wearing off! (Awake)”

Sarah Kittell - 01/07/10

Peel away the outer hide,

Let me take off my disguise,

Let me see what’s inside,

Outside,

This sin has a down side.

I walk around in robes of white,

Keep it hidden, out of sight,

Don’t let on I lost the Fight.

Am I right?

Demons keep me up at night.

Find your proof,

Point and shoot,

Claim the Truth,

But where’s your fruit?

Watch your actions make you mute.

What is this inside of me?

How can it be part of me?

I thought that I had been set free,

From everything I used to be.

I will never set you free,

Eyes on me,

Don’t believe;

I won’t give you up that easy!

Putting on my uniform,

Shield and sword,

Try to halt this burning storm,

Blood is warm,

Plastic fortress now deformed.

Get down from your sky-high horse,

I will not sign on our divorce,

Reinforce our intercourse,

I won’t give you up alive.

Wishing I could cry for aid,

A refuge from this cannonade,

Hide away,

Barricade,

Rescue from their red grenades.

Who will answer to your call?

You will fall!

I will claim my bride-to-be,

And teach her some humility!

Who will answer to my call?

Watch me fall…

Thanks for reading! Love and hugs to all! ^^,

--Sarah

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